So it’s been a while since my last post, and I must say that I am sorry about that. I got myself into a bad situation at the casino. Seems I wasn’t following my own Ten Commandments of Gambling, and for that I paid the ultimate price.

Just to recap, these Ten Commandments were passed down to me in the form of accumulated experience and as such should only be read by those wanting – no scratch that – NEED to know how to make money gambling.  So if you’re not prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice and change your gambling habits then don’t read these tasty nuggets of information.  For those who need money, CRAVE money, then go ahead.  Just say I didn’t warn you.

Ten Commandments of Gambling (see end for legend):

** EDITORS NOTE **

REMOVED LIST AFTER CLAIM OF OWNERSHIP BY VIACOM CANADA

Dear Mr. Buchon

It has come to our attention that the content found on your blog is a direct violation of a copyright help by Viacom Canada as defined by the Canadian Copyright Act (1985).  Please remove your list entitled “Ten Commandments of Gambling” immediately.

Respectfully,

Jommy Jommerson

LEGEND

firstborn = child, born first

them = any of your mom’s friends that you deem attractive

beareth = to taketh

dead = no longer living

Israel = Vegas

Priest = Dealer

Basket = Sidebet

divers = dealer’s hand

whore = prostitute

sodomite = cheater

Lord = Pit Boss

“Wounded in Stones” = order two drinks, pay for one

“ox fall down by the way” = penis

“and hide thyself from him” = while hiding

“thou shalt surely help him to life them up again” = without sheepishly confessing afterwards

“fetch his pledge” = to fetch a can of pledge

3.***If you’re penis gets cut off, theres nothing the pit boss can do for you, so don’t bother him

2.** If you’re in your house, NO MATTER WHAT, make sure you’re telling your kids about them.

1. *  Only to be said if your friends are as excited as you are when you pitch a tent.

If you’re like me, then you want people to think you’re rich.  Being rich brings with it many great benefits.  If you want people to think you’re rich the first step, and the most important one is to give yourself a sweet nickname.  The following list should serve as as a useful starting point.  Try combining two, or three. If you’re serious about being thought of as rich, always refer to yourself in the fourth person.  Not sure of what that means?  Perhaps Wikipedia can shed some light:

The term fourth person is also sometimes used for the category of indefinite or generic referents, that work like one in English phrases such as “one should be prepared” or people in people say that…, when the grammar treats them differently from ordinary third-person forms. For example, the so-called “passive tense” in Finnish and related languages is actually not a tense, and has the same meaning as a phrase with subjects “one” or “people” in English.

Remember, practice makes perfect, or rather one who practices makes perfect.

Without further adieu, the best Richnames:

1.Cha McChing
2.Bucksy McHasalot
3.Moola McMany
4.Dimesy McWholebunch
5.Dolla McPlentiful
6.Coinsy McToomany
7.Billy McTwofister
8.Sheckle McHeavypockets
9.Tipsy McToomuch
10.Car McToonice
11.Vagina McGetsalot
12.Boobsy McSeesalot
13.Financialy McStable
14.Fatsy McWallet
15.Mr. Chequesy McNeverbounce
16.Sir Nocreditlimit Johnson
17.Ezra Golstein
18.Platinum Goldcard the Third
19.Stacksy McBills
20.Pooly McHasone
21.Sir Gasprices McNeverworries
22.Mr. Eatsalotoribs

There you go.  The top 22 richnames in the biz.  Not sure which one to pick?  Try on a few and observe your friend’s reactions.  Keep a detailed log.

Yah Yah, I said look motherfuckers this ain’t time for fun,
Y’all thinking I should be just laying in the sun.

But I’m here to tell you that I think you misunderstood.
That relaxin’ instead of rhyming is something that I could.

Chorus:

Champagne is  for the poor. Champagne is for the poor.
You better understand that Champagne is for the poor!

I said Champagne is for the poor.

Oh shit, the front door opens and I see that it’s cold
Cause the money in my pocket is anyhin’ but old.

You see the night is mighty young and my dick is mighty big,
And this Escalade of mine is something like a rig.

And it’s about time i make a midnight run,
to the place between yo’ legs where there just ain’t no sun.

Repeat Chorus X 2

Now if I think I heard yo right, you may want some of dis’
But I ain’t about to give it up like some schoolgirl lookin’ for a kiss

No, you gotta treat me right, feed me right, and respect me right
Before you let me feel if it’s truly that tight.

Because this game ain’t about just fuckin’ and gettin’ off,
No, it’s about love and respect and being super soft.

(laughs) <speaking> AND I ain’t talking about my dick y’all. (more laughter).

Chorus Repeats to fade.

1.) Check your driveway, do you have a car does it attract women?  Try parking it in a place frequented by attractive woman and watch and observe women’s reactions to your car.  Keep a detailed log and share with  your friends.

2.) Rig your faucets to pour expensive liquids, like champagne, wine and oil.

3.) Whenever at a restaurant, order two meals and then spit in one while staring aggressively at your dining company.  In the animal kingdom this displays assuredness.

4.) Look into buying a slave. Despite what the law says, remember, be persistent. You can always get a real young one because they do grow.  Try adoption agencies.

5.) Travel and experience the world.  Just remember to get immunized as this is proactive.

6.) See how many woman you can impregnate. Make it a game with your friends. Try assigning points. like 1 for a boy etc.

7.) Start a blog and give tips.

8.) Eat expensive fruits like mangos and dragon fruit.  Fuck apples and bananas – you’re rich.

9.) Act as if you’re morally superior and a better human being than others.  Crush anyone that opposes you.

10.) Two words – gold hat.

There you go.  Follow this advice and make it big in this world.  It just takes time is all, but following these tips is the best advice I could possibly give.

1. Sunglasses - Protects you from the sun’s UV rays.

2. hair gel – can be used to look different.  try a new hairstyle and observe the reactions of your friends.  keep a detailed log

3. Shirt – used primarily to cover the upper torso. but can also be used to stop bleeding if ripped into small pieces and inserted into the cut.  Two varieties exist – button and no button. Try both, but never at the same time.

4. Socks – Some shoes can cause blisters without socks, yet it doesn’t work the other way.  Explain that one.

5. Hat – many varieties exist.  Check with your town hatter and request a catalogue, if he refuses at first, be persistent as it can pay off.

6. Glove – Not to be confused with gloves.  A glove is a sheath designed for the hand that can be made of a variety of materials and a variety of purposes.  Be sure you’re familiar with them as glove salesmen are proud people.

7. Pants – See #3.

8.  X-Ray Glasses – Just be that the ensuing erection doesn’t distract you from gambling, wink wink.

9. Shoes – Try getting served without these and #3.  Nearly impossible.

10. Coat – can be used in the cold to prevent becoming cold and decrease your vulnerability to getting a cold.

So without further adieu, here’s the latest 25 tops gambling tips to give you the one up when it comes to betting the odds in your favour.

1. when playing roulette, make sure it’s normal roulette and not any of those weird variations
2. taking out a loan and gambling with that money is a great way to ensure you’re not risking anything
3. lucking pieces of clothing can be a great way to make people think you’re lucky, but you have to tell them first
4. a lucky mantra is best if continually muttered under your breath – if you don’t have one, simply narrate everything you are doing and feeling.
5. despite what the signs say, removing your pants can be a great way to let the little guy get some air (it’s stuffy in there!)
6. lucky numbers are “9, 17 and 84″
7. unlucky numbers are “26 and 46″
8. lucky numbers are only lucky if you really believe they are (and they know, trust us)
9. for a little comical relief try ordering drinks, and when they come pretend you didn’t order them, then make a big scene
10. if you have a lucky machine, never give it up, literally.
11. for a friendly conversation starter at a blackjack table, share your theory about how messages are hidden in certain cards and have people guess what they are telling you (instead of replying only smile and shake your head even if they guess it).
12. make up a theory about how certain cards have hidden messages.
13. use your theory to justify anything you do from then on (ANYTHING)
14. a great way to make people feel uncomfortable is to rub up against their back with an erection without their permission (another route is to simply ask).
15. recreate the disgust people feel about finding bandaids in a public pool by sneaking one into someone’s unattended drink (observe and share your findings with your peers)
16. a neat trick to find the most financially strapped person in a room is to offer 20 dollars to anyone willing to let you watch them use the washroom – reassure them after it wasn’t sexual (etiquette goes a long way)
17. many times people lose money, try to find it
18. be a gracious loser, but always make sure everyone at the table knows exactly what you think of them before leaving.
19. for companionship, try sneaking in an animal – extra points if it’s hoofed.
20. people like compliments, try rehearsing some at home
21. if you find any coinage that appears to have been misplaced, it’s your legal responsibility to find it’s rightful owner in 20 minutes.
22. try to learn to count cards, if the dealer is going to fast simply ask them to slow down.  you can also hush the casino, but only 3 times per night.
23. in between rounds of a poker game, recount as many new blockbuster movie plots as you can.
24. in the event the pit boss singles you out, single him right back.
25. in the event of a big win, let people know how you “knew it” because you were “due.”